Thursday, May 31, 2012

Can I Punk the DHS Using All Their Keywords?

So Uncle Janet has hundreds of keywords that her Department of Homeland Security is sniffing around for in your emails, Facebook posts, Skype messages, etc.

So I am going to attempt to use them all in this post, at least the ones we know about. They'll be the words that are in bold. It might make sense, or it might just be a jumbling of incoherent running phrases. We'll see. I've used the words in the order they were originally listed.

There are a lot of words so it will be a long read. The point is to see if I get a hit from the DHS, which up to this date, I have yet to achieve. If I do get a hit, I'll post it in a separate post. Let's see if they are watching for these words.


In order to prevent an Assassination attempt or Attack on a commie in the Oval Office, it is necessary for Uncle Janet and her goons to increase Domestic security by increasing their Drill and Exercise schedules.

Cops and other Law enforcement agencies will work with local Authorities in providing Disaster assistance and Disaster management volunteers in the event people don't get their food stamps on time.

The DNDO (Domestic Nuclear Detection Office) will  be in charge of National preparedness in the event a Mitigation of punishment is necessary to keep Homer Simpson from jamming the controls with his jelly doughnut fillings.

Prevention of such events requires a rapid Response. Timely Recovery of plans for a Dirty bomb are of the utmost importance.

Any Domestic nuclear detection will be forwarded immediately to the Emergency management office. The person receiving this news will activate an Emergency response as soon as possible. This will result in a First responder breaking some glass and pulling a lever. In turn, a red light and 'beep-beep' alarm will signal someone at Homeland security.

Maritime domain awareness(MDA) is a key factor in the National preparedness initiative. It is well known that Militia in Mossy Oak camouflage have been Shooting alligators from little rubber dinghies.

News reports tell of Shots fired close to the swamp. This has prompted a mass Evacuation of manatees in order to prevent their Deaths by errant rounds and to prevent them from being taken Hostage.

In the event of an Explosion (explosive) report by a witness, the Police will leave the doughnut shop immediately and contact the Disaster medical assistance team (DMAT). After all, it could be the work of an Organized crime boss or pesky Gangs. Such activities are a clear threat to National security and may result in a State of emergency being declared.

Security of the Southern Border is not important. A Breach of the border wall should not be considered a Threat and agents are encouraged to avoid a Standoff with the invaders. It is up to the SWAT team to conduct Screening of invaders and only arrest Americans.

In the event a Lockdown occurs due to a Bomb threat, the Bomb squad will be expected to Crash weddings and partake in wide spread Looting to encourage EBT recipients to Riot. This will give them something to do.

Sometimes an Emergency Landing is required as a result of the discovery of an imaginary Pipe bomb. Treat this Incident discretely until you can take credit for the foiled plot in a left-leaning news room Facility.

If someone breaks a CFL bulb, call Hazmat immediately! A broken CLF bulb is as dangerous as a Nuclear meltdown or Chemical spill. Likewise, if a Suspicious package/device is left at your doorstep, it could contain Toxic elements. Send it straight to the nearest National laboratory or Nuclear facility for analysis.

A Nuclear threat will have been considered to have occurred if a large mushroom Cloud is seen, followed by a massive Plume of invisible Radiation.

Every smoke detector contains small traces of the element americium. The chance of a Radioactive Leak occurring are minimal. Don't worry.

The zombie apocalypse will begin with a Biological infection (or event) such as a naked man eating the face off another naked man. Sometimes this can be the result of a mixture of Chemical components being ingested. The resulting Chemical burn will cause a Biological change in ones DNA which can cause them to transform into a large green hulk intent on smashing and bashing objects.

The resulting Epidemic would make such persons Hazardous to your health. If you see someone as described above, fill out a Hazardous material incident form immediately. It's the same form used for reporting an Industrial spill or dirty urinal.

An Infection of the brain as a result of inhaling White Powder can cause the increase of Gas in the colon. An accidental Spillover from a clogged toilet may be mistaken for Anthrax. Don't be alarmed. Reach for the nearest plunger.

If exposed to a Blister agent, you will know by the burning sores you develop on your skin. Unlike a Chemical agent, the Exposure will Burn in a similar fashion when sitting upon the toilet after eating an over abundance of your favorite hot salsa.

Attempt to avoid exposures to any Nerve agent such as Ricin or Sarin gas. Just avoid traveling to North Korea to be sure.

While watching the movie Outbreak, take note of the Contamination protocols followed by Dustin Hoffman's character. If he followed the proper protocols, the Exposure of the Virus to the population would have been prevented and an Evacuation would not have been necessary.

Bacteria in your lunch meat may result in a product Recall. Don't confuse this with an Ebola outbreak. Food Poisoning may be fatal in worse case scenarios, but usually you just end up throwing up and having the runs for a few days.

Foot and Mouth (FMD) disease is not caused by the H5N1 virus or Avian Flu. It is a form of Salmonella which surprisingly enough, is not found in Salmon. Small Pox is not like large pox. It is a Plague that can be transmitted via Human to human contact and Human to Animal contact. Symptoms may mimic Influenza with constant chills. If you suspect you're sick, contact the Center for Disease Control(CDC) immediately and demand that the Federal Drug Administration (FDA) release the secret cure they have hidden in their labs.

Public Health is a Toxic issue when the topic of money comes up. Doctors may engage in Agro Terror if not paid immediately for their services. They may release Tuberculosis (TB) into Agriculture products and may introduce Listeria into the air. Symptoms of exposure may include the urge to rinse with Listerine 3 times a day.

It could also cause Mutation Resistant drugs to fail. Antiviral serums would become ineffective as Wave after wave of bacteria adapt. The chances for a worldwide Pandemic of mass Infection is highly likely. Water/air borne cures would only make people Sick and develop an urge to devour Swine and Pork products. It is advised that you buy stock in Jimmy Dean products now.

If a dangerous viral Strain is detected in someone, a Quarantine protocol must be followed. Inject them with the H1N1 Vaccine even if they don't need it. Heck, give them Tamiflu too in case they also have the Norvovirus. We must prevent an Epidemic from occurring. Plus it will make the drug manufacturers rich. They have a deep rooted partnership with the World Health Organization(WHO) to create Viral leaks, such as the one that killed 5 million people with Hemorrhagic Fever and E. Coli in dirty water bottles.

Infrastructure security for the Airport and parked Airplanes can prevent a Chemical fire within CIKR (Critical Infrastructure & Key Resources). The government subsidized AMTRAK failure will result in a Collapse of public trust.

Vulnerable Computer infrastructure systems and Communications infrastructure systems are in serious trouble. Telecommunications are a high priority for bad guys. This is a Critical infrastructure that could bring the National infrastructure to its knees if captured.

The use of Metro buses and rails such as the WMATA to conduct a Subway attack are slim. Tests using BART and MARTA have shown that as a result of poor air circulation, farts linger longer and are more concentrated. The Port Authority contacts the NBIC (National Biosurveillance Integration Center) and Transportation security office whenever someone complains about stinky passengers.

Electrical Grid and Power systems in the U.S. are not as Smart as they should be. The use of a single 4th Amendment violating Body scanner may cause an Electric Failure or outage in a local area. When many are used at once, a Black out or Brown out may occur if a hot woman passes through a scanner and TSA agents keep having her go through multiple times.

Port wine is best enjoyed while sitting on a Dock or Bridge. If your date gets Cancelled or has too many Delays, it's best to drink it soon after hearing the news. To avoid a Service disruption of your favorite TV show, don't swing on Power lines after consuming the bottle.

Drug Cartel activity has increased lately. Violence perpetrated by Gang members and Drug dealers goes unreported. Dangerous Narcotics such as Cocaine are sold for 10 times more than Marijuana but not as easliy smuggled in as Heroin across the Border with Mexico.
To be able to join a Cartel, one must first travel to the Southwest. The cities of Juarez, Sinaloa, Tijuana, Torreon, Yuma, and Tucson have seen an increase in Decapitated people.

The U.S. Consulate advised the Consular in El Paso to travel to Fort Hancock through San Diego after taking Mexican hat dancing lessons in Ciudad Juarez and tortilla making classes in Nogales. After successful completion of those two, they were to travel to Sonora to intercept a package from Colombia destined for the Mara salvatrucha gang otherwise known as MS13 or MS-13.

This action resulted in a Drug war with the Mexican army over Methamphetamine distribution rights with the Cartel de Golfo, or the Gulf Cartel in English. La Familia didn't take kindly to being left out and over ran the city of Reynosa and opened Nuevo Leon restaurants everywhere.

The Narcos leave Narco banners as warnings to the Los Zetas cartel, usually after a Shootout and mass Execution of their enemies. Hostilities begin with a Gun fight over Trafficking rights of Kidnap victims close to El Presidente Calderon.

A drug Bust in Tamaulipas discovered a Meth Lab new to the Drug trade business. It was run by Illegal immigrants from Cuba who were Smuggling cigars to Matamoros, for the Michoacana cartel. Guzman got in a fight with Arellano-Felix, Beltran-Leyva, and Barrio Azteca over who got to call themselves the Artistic Assassins. The title was eventually stolen by the Mexicles prison gang who formed a New Federation of smugglers.

Terrorism
by Al Qaeda usually occurs when a Terror Attack takes place from secret bases in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, and Pakistan. I once heard a skateboarder say, "That's Agro dude!"

Environmental terrorist and Eco terrorism rely on Conventional weapon systems. They like to shop at Target in search of Weapons grade hairspray that contains fluorocarbons to make a Dirty bomb that is Enriched with Nuclear particles. Sometimes they will shop for Chemical weapon components at Ace Hardware and Biological weapon components at the Piggly Wiggly. They purchase large amounts of Ammonium nitrate at nursery's and read about Improvised explosive device (IED) making on the internet.

Abu Sayyaf in the Philippines have ties with Hamas. They trained with FARC (Armed Revolutionary Forces Colombia) to learn how to make tortillas, and trained with the IRA (Irish Republican Army) to learn how to drink beer.

The ETA (Euskadi ta Askatasuna) are Basque Separatists from Spain who hate Hezbollah and hired the Sri Lanka Tamil Tigers to infiltrate the PLF (Palestine Liberation Front) and subvert the PLO (Palestine Liberation Organization) with the use of Car bomb greetings.

Jihad doctrines of the Taliban call for the storage of large Weapons cache for use in Suicide bomber attacks. A Suicide attack can be detected by the appearance of a Suspicious substance on their pants that resembles crap.

AQAP (AL Qaeda Arabian Peninsula) has been trying to dominate AQIM (Al Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb) even though they both belong to TTP (Tehrik-i-Taliban Pakistan) based out of Yemen. They have been known to be fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates and dislike the Extremism shown in Somalia against Nigeria by Radicals of Al-Shabaab.

The DHS has to create a Home grown Plot using Nationalist pot heads to 'foil a bomb plot' and justify their existence. The Recruitment occurs at OWS events with stoned idiots who blabber on about Fundamentalism and the joy of Islamist peace.

In a natural Emergency such as a Hurricane off the coast, or a Tornado or Twister in the plains, it is vital that the public does not hear about an impending Tsunami as the result of an Earthquake or surface Tremor in Japan. The resulting Flood of phone calls will overload the system.

A Storm may Crest within the Temblor Range in California due to Extreme weather. A Forest fire may start with a Brush fire and spread quickly. Ice Stranded/Stuck ships may call for Help or Hail another ship to report a Wildfire. A Warning to the Center for Magnitude 8 quakes may prevent an Avalanche.

Typhoon
is not a Tycoon although they sound similar. A Shelter-in-place could avert  Disaster and prevent death in a Snow storm or Blizzard with Sleet. It would be useless in a Mud slide or Mudslide caused by natural soil Erosion.

A Power outage may result in a Brown out Warning being given. Watch for Lightening and administer First Aid until Relief is obtained. Closure of Interstate roads may Burst side road capacity. Obey the robotic sounding man on the Emergency Broadcast System.

Cyber security using Botnet programs to prevent a DDOS (dedicated denial of service) or
Denial of service
by Malware installed Virus programs is important. Trojan programs such as a Keylogger used in Cyber space can steal Command codes in 2600 languages. Spammer email techniques for Phishing include asking permission to Rootkit your phone to enable remote Phreaking of your device. Cain and Abel is a password recovery tool by Microsoft. It helps to avoid Brute forcing the password but uses a dangerous Mysql injection tool that is vulnerable to a Cyber attack that could exploit a Cyber terror system. A noob Hacker in China could use Conficker. It is a Worm used by Scammers to target Social media users.

Update:
Oops! Looks like I missed the first part of the page of Keywords. Here they are:

It is my hope that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) one day realizes that the ineptness of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) mirrors its own. They should look to the Coast Guard (USCG) as an example on how to properly run a Customs and Border Protection (CBP) outfit. The Border Patrol is understaffed and underfunded while the Secret Service (USSS) is so overstaffed, that they have time to philander with Colombian hookers.

Surely the National Operations Center (NOC) is able to better inform Homeland Defense on how Immigration Customs Enforcement (ICE) releases a dangerous foreign Agent every 2 minutes.

A local Task Force that can train with the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) to decipher clues on the whereabouts of elderly old white men using their local Fusion Center would be helpful to the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) in locating new loot to steal under the confiscation and seizure mandates. They gotta be able to self-fund in order to get new toys.

The Secure Border Initiative (SBI) is nothing more than an arm of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and doesn't seem to screw up as badly or as often as the blundering Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) thugs, especially when it comes to shooting dogs and babies.

People wishing to enter the united States from foreign countries must first contact the U.S. Citizenship & Immigration Services (CIS) and sign pledge to vote democrat if allowed to become a citizen.

To make flying safer for everyone, The Federal Air Marshal Service (FAMS) forbids hiring anyone who the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) would employee. An Air Marshal has high standards and has a real badge, unlike the gropers in airport terminals. They also work closely with the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) to determine if a plane crash was caused by a TSA Agent letting a bomb through because they were too busy oggling at slim and trim women in the x-ray machines.

In the event of a major shake up, the National Guard will inform the Red Cross to get ready for massive casualties at the United Nations (UN) because they're joining with the American people to kick the UN the hell out!
 


11 comments:

  1. Now you've done it. The authorities are in route.

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  2. wonderful humour, of course some people can't take a joke. on the other hand, it has been said "never a truer word was spoken in jest."

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  3. Heh, I had the same idea but only used some of the words. Maybe I'll just link to your post.

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  4. Posted to FB.
    Thanks.

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  5. I see what you did there....

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  6. giggle..giggle. Mom's gonna be mad now.

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  7. Cut and paste this article onto all of your e mails if every one did thisthe key words would be meaningless

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  8. They will be driving themselves MAD to try to crack this secret code.......
    BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!
    Funniest thing I've read in a couple years...

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  9. At least those who appreciate this in its truest sense are in good company among those on "the list" for one reason or another. It could be possible that what's missing from the redacted version is the Boolean logic looking for key phrases like "incompetent TSA" or 'Stasi' within +/- 2 words of DoJ/Department of Justice (and all its sub-folders). That's what really gets those fusion guys off when they're out of Mountain Dew and the pizza is gone. ;)

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